I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
