haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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