I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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