I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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