smell my finger.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Randomize
