My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
