were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
