i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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