You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Randomize
