He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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