Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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