What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
