The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
