Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
