walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
