also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
where are my eyebrows?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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