sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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