If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
