Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
