Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
