i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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