i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
