You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
