i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
