is your mom at the bar?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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