If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
