Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
