A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
