One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
