a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
