If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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