her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
