i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Randomize
