dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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