nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
if i died would you start the facebook group?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Randomize
