So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
