where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Terrible idea I love it
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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