3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize