We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
