I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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