I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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