i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize