in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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