Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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