i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize