I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
