My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
