a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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