And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
