You smell like a Billy Joel song
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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