Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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