So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
