omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
