You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
