we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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