I got her a Nickelback box set.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
